Emotion

All of us wants a companion and a confidant. Even in denial. Because as much friends as you have or none, there's only one person that you will always turn to, there's secrets you're too embarrass to tell even to your closest friends, but you tell your significant other. There's pride and flaws you do not show to others, but subconsciously and without you realizing it, you reveal them to that one special person because he/she will still have you and learn to accept that is a part of you. At the state of depression and desperation, that's the one person you turn to. I think that is the answer to question when do you know it is love.

There's a point in life when you love someone so much, you can't love anyone as much anymore. You won't have the energy to go through it again. All of us will go through that. That one person that you love so much, is the person that will hurt you the most and after you will no longer feel the climax of love anymore. Because you have got the best, how can it be possible to have another? Like the saying goes, lighting doesn't strike twice at the same place. Same thing I guess. I may be wrong, but for the moment, that's what I think. Because I have the best and I love him so much, so crazy like I have never loved before, but I don't own him. No one could own a person. That's a fact, even in marriage. You can never own a person. But make the best out of it while it lasted.

I am being so emotional. But that's what blog is for isn't it? Pour your feelings and guts out. Oh the wonders of writing. It is a good way to articulate your feelings, through anger, depression, distressing, happiness and everything else you want to convey but if you don't know how, I suggest writing.

Perhaps sleep would work wonders at this hour.

My Other half

I could not love anyone else more than I love him. Months of bliss and a taste of heaven. We went through it all (trust me), rain or shine, through laughter and tears, and we are still together. Not every second passed that I not think of him. Every day I would try to win his heart over and over again.

He asked me the other day, how do we know it's LOVE ? Well.. The heart wants what it wants. Love is life greatest mystery.

I love him. I consider my self very lucky and blessed. He has been there for me, like no one else did. Thank you for these wonderful months..

No else comes close to you.

2 Days In Paris

So here it goes again.

I had an awesome weekend though. How was yours?

Well, I watched an awesome movie titled ' 2 Days In Paris ', the movie is about the reality of relationships in general and of course, Paris. I will not elaborate much about the movie since I have the tendency to ruin the ending and basically everything about the movie (I actually do that a lot) but I will briefly enlighten why you should watch the movie.

Hollywood usually fabricate surreal movies about relationships, but in reality, relationships are not as bad and as awesome as Hollywood depict to us, not just Hollywood, everywhere actually, even the news. Well.. yes. The movie of course..

It's about a couple, she is a native French, he is American. They both lives in New York, and decided to visit Paris for 2 days after a few weeks of visiting elsewhere in Europe. She is fanatical and audacious, a photographer. He is neurotic and full of sarcasm, an interior designer. The movie is fascinating because of the diversity of their personality and how they resolve their dilemma and crisis. It relates to every relationships that you have and have had. I know I just made a bold statement but I too know, every relationships is different, nevertheless we all will face the same problem, jealousy.

The movie also portrays real Parisian culture in which I love and hate. Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with Paris. But in ' 2 Days In Paris ', whether you like it or not, that is exactly how Parisians are. Racist, fascist, strident, liberated, it's all in the movie.

That is how I perceive the film, yours may be different.

Oh yes, the movie is directed by Julie Delpy, and she is also the main character in the movie casting alongside Adam Goldberg. I am a big fan of Julie Delpy since I saw her in the movie Before Sunrise and then came the sequel Before Sunset. It is a romance movie, but if you think that these are those mushy crap, I beg to differ.

I appreciate originality in films.

I Found My Voice

When someone loves you, you must have earned it somehow..

It wasn't easy to begin with. But you compromise and somehow along the way, you will reach to a point where you both agree with certain matter and you're comfortable.

Some people take advantage of being comfortable. I heard a story about a divorced the other day. For such a dense matter, it was heartbreaking. You give up too soon sometimes because your head is telling you these crazy things and temptations. But your heart is telling you another. It is crazy that some how even at a certain age you still don't know which to listen to, your head or your heart. Your head, as far as feelings go, does not comply with your heart so much.

Feelings.. Such a funny gift we have. Feel your feelings, never analyze them. Start pouring your feelings into a journal, or a blog, whatever suits you best. These loving companions will speak your language. No translation needed.

Its best to feel your feelings. Don't ever make a hasty decision. You will regret it. When you do, there is no turning back. You will come to see how to deal with things, you will come to see how your anger teaches you about responsibility and your arrogance teaches you about humility, so listen and feel your feelings carefully, there's more to it.

My mission now is to forgive myself for all the times I thought I wasn't good enough.

In Silence and Tears

I cried softly, steadily in little sobs.

I cry when I do not know how to deal with my feelings. I no longer analyze my feelings, I feel them, really feeling them. So during my heartaches and grief, I cry. I found comfort in crying as it helps me ease my pain. I scream when I cry sometimes. It felt good.

I talk. To objects.

During my heartaches and griefs, I talk to objects. I have my favourite. Beautiful daffodil yellow, long haired and glittery, a pony. She does not look away, does not criticize, does not insult, she definitely listens. I named her. Princess Sparkles. Just like Summer's. She will always be there when I need her, she would remain calm even when I tried flushing her down the toilet. I found comfort in her.

For she has been good to me, I bought her a friend to keep her company.

I sound crazy? A definite NO! Human, people.. we find comfort in the most peculiar things ever imagined.

Sunset Comes Free

And so I write.. at the deepest point of slumber.

I have been on a long journey of self discovery. It took a long time to actually comprehend that this is what and who I am. No more no less. I am not going to find someone new beneath this skin. I am what I am. The unreal is not going to prevail and heal my sores. My weakness and strength is my own, mine to guard.

It all sound so simple. But it took me almost all my life to realize what I just realized. Reality bites. So I stopped blaming my self for choices I had made, which made me feel safe and I took responsibility for them. Then on I began to accept the unacceptable which made me see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.

I quit exhausting my self by trying so hard.

I could turn away from reality, I could go away for years, to the wild, the desert or to a foreign place. But I will return being the same person I am when I left. With different perspectives, opinion and views maybe. So I quit wishing my life looked some other way and began to see that as it is, my life serves my evolution. We are what we are, so make the best out of it.

Now, I could see how funny life is, how funny I am, and how funny you are.

Cultivating Love and Compassion

For many years I lived with a guarded heart. I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself and did not know what I really want. 2008, that began changing.

As I grew to love all of who I am and correcting my flaws, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways. My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes.

My commitment to follow this calling grew strong and in the process a divine intelligence came to guide my life. I believe this ever present resource is grace and available to us all. I started writing about my life and views because I knew this is my right and my responsibility.

I decided to write and be heard.

Thus, here I am. Putting my words into action, which happens to be.. words. Ironic isn't it? Everything starts somewhere. Mine starts here.