2008 is almost over, just less than 7 hours away. 2008 has been a good year to me. Changes. I ran through the pages of my 2008 organizer, yeah I had a good year and I can't wait for 2009. I hope 2009 will be a great year, full of colours and accomplishments.
I made a few resolution for 2008, and as I look back, I accomplish almost all of my resolution. I'm proud of myself and my 2008 achievements. I have a new list for 2009, it is more personal than 2008's. All I can hope for is the best for myself and everyone else that affects me.
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together. He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him, the two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the centre of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different. There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served. There was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom. The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses. The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside. And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked. The music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep. We heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city. We, alas, cannot help you. Despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke. ‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe. But the years have passed and no post has ever come up. And then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me. He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
‘The angel was so persuasive that I decided to do as he said. Since we have no money, my daughter-in-law went to the market this morning to sell her hair so that we could buy that goblet over there. The two of them are doing their best to get me in the Christmas spirit by singing and dancing, but it’s no use.’
The king saw the silver goblet, asked to be given a little water to quench his thirst and, before leaving, said to the family:
‘Do you know, we were talking to the prime minister only today, and he told us that an opening for a palace scribe would be announced next week.’
The old man nodded, not really believing what he was hearing, and bade farewell to the strangers. The following morning, however, a royal proclamation was read out in all the city streets; a new scribe was needed at court. On the appointed day, the audience room at the palace was packed with people eager to compete for that much-sought-after post. The prime minister entered and asked everyone there to prepare their paper and pens:
‘Here is the subject of the composition: Why is an old man weeping, a shaven-headed woman dancing, and a sad young man singing?’
A murmur of disbelief went round the room. No one knew how to tell such a story, apart, that is, from the shabbily dressed young man sitting in one corner, who smiled broadly and began to write.
Based on an Indian story.
Translated from the Portuguese by Margaret Jull Costa
I haven’t been writing because my PC went Britney on me and the fact that, I have lost my interest in almost everything since 27th October.
I had a late night, I was tired so I slept soundly.
I heard knocking on my door close to 5am, a little annoyed and with the little force that I had, I opened the door. It was my brother, telling me to get dressed and head to my aunt’s to pay my last respect for my grandmother. My heart literally stopped beating, my mind went blank, then came flashbacks of last Aidilfitri and the last time I phoned her, it was just last week. I was in the car, with Ikki, I thought of asking what she was doing. She told me she was having tea and biscuits with my grandfather by the fish pond.
Then my mind went blank again, my world felt silent, my brother’s words came back ringing to my ear. I couldn’t believe what I heard, I panicked, brushed my teeth, slip on an old baju kurung and drove crazily, sobbing, half-way crying, didn’t want to believe what my brother told me so I gave myself some false hope by telling myself that maybe she’s just ill.
When I got to my aunt’s, I saw my cousin sitting by a corner, she was crying. I looked around, looking for my grandmother, she wasn’t downstairs. So I ran up and there she was, laying on the bed in my little cousin’s room, covered with white cloth, lifeless. I didn’t know how to react, so I ran downstairs. Walking back and forth, my hand close to heart, trying to figure what is this pain that I’m feeling.
When vivid image of my grandmother came into mind, her last words to me.. I broke down, started crying heavily and I ran back upstairs, pull the cloth that was covering her face, she looks like she’s at peace. I kissed her and I hugged her, I didn’t want to let go.
I still can’t let go. How I miss her..
Since she passed, there’s not a single day that I not think of her. I pray everyday that my grandfather will regain back his strength to live again without my grandmother. Oh, how much he loved her. I remember days that they’ll just lay in bed all afternoon talking about their life and their children, they’ll crack jokes and laugh until my grandfather started coughing. My grandmother, she was funny, really, and the heart on her.. you can’t imagine. I loved her so much.
I'm not a workaholic but yeah, my work is cruel. I got so caught up with work, became unhinged, ignorant of other people whose isn't my colleague (exceptions to my boyfriend though, I can't help it, he keeps me going) an addict of some sort in need of a fix.
Most of the time when I'm not at work, I'll be talking and thinking about work, I used to loathed those people who does that, but I became one now, given the same set of circumstances, being very passionate about what I do now, I doubt that most people would, or could, have acted much differently. I understand those work junkies better now.
From his plans to change the economic policy in America all the way to responsibly stop the war in Iraq, he's asking you to believe. Not just Americans, the whole world. Do you believe? I know I do.
I am content with how beautiful my life has turned out to be in this past few months since I started working and the stability in my relationship. I'm trying to straighten out my life and make the best out of life. Yeah, life is long but it's not gonna wait for me. I've to go and chase for what I want. I'm happy that now I really know what I want even at the age of 22. It's never too late to chase for for dreams. I appreciate a year of bliss with my boyfriend and how he has shaped me to become the person I am today, I wouldn't be what I am today if it weren't for him and his advices and well sometimes, temper.. But well, that helps too. Baby, I love you!
Aidilfitri is just around the corner.. So Selamat Hari Raya to all. Have a safe trip balik kampung!!
I haven't been writing because I was caught up with work, since late July until well, now. It drains out my energy, puts me in a horrible mood after work. But I learned a lot of things since I started working, most importantly I learned to be selfish with my time.
I miss college.. Haihh.
I'll write more when I've the time to. Writing is still my number one passion, but most of the time reality overshadows passion which makes it hard to be passionate about any thing actually.
I have grown with so much grace in the past year. Being 22 doesn't make me feel older instead I feel amazing! So much I went through and have learned from my mistakes which I don't have any regrets for because it makes me who I am today and met the people I'm constantly around with these day. Without my mistakes in the past, I wouldn't gain so much knowledge about myself and others.
I'm content with my life right now. I began leaving whatever wasn't good for me. This meant people, my own beliefs and habits and anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving. I have realized my mind can torment and deceived me, but in the service of my heart it is a great and noble ally.
I still go crazy and let me temper do the talking sometimes, but I'm working on it. I'm sorry baby.. But you know besides my family, I love you the most..
Well the no-confidence motion debate against the Prime Minister was disallowed by the Dewan Rakyat Speaker resulting to a walk out from the oppositions. There goes our freedom of expression and speech. What is democracy really, when you can't even allow a debate?
In true democracy every man and women is taught to think for himself or herself. Gandhi
A demonstration is expected on Monday 14th of July by the opposition at the Parliament building, regarding to the no-confidence motion against the Prime Minister . Minister in the Prime Minister's Department, Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz announced that the Parliament is out of bound to the public on that Monday.
In my personal opinion, comes righteous before peace will ensure a stability and a firm government. Yes, peace is good and demonstrations is not a way to convey a point but with a government that lacks so much knowledge and power driven, the rakyat must rise. We have every right and power to voice out if the government that every few years we choose to govern or very so repress us lately is incompetent and ignorant to our benefits, isn't that what democracy is all about? Or is democracy is just an abuse of statistics?
The government servant's salary, the Parliament building, every inch of it, comes from the tax, who pays the tax? Us, the rakyat, we are the tax payers. Indeed we are banned from the Parliament on Monday. A part of the parliamentary process of the Parliament is to ensure that it remains open, transparent, democratic and accountable.
Educate yourselves before you educate others, we cannot claim democracy if we deny access to the public who should be free to watch all the public proceedings.
We are not perfect, so there is no perfect government but there is no success like failure but failure is no success at all and our government has failed us.
No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. Abraham Lincoln
How absurd can our political scene be in Malaysia lately? With leaders that we voted throwing words at each other, this has gone far too much. It does not stays in Malaysia only, it has gone global, it's all over the world with CNN and BBC broadcasting our country's funny stories(believe me, it is funny, you may not be laughing, but they are). This is not good publicity for Malaysia.
It will definitely take a toll on our image globally. What will the world think of Malaysia and the leaders that we picked? Our leaders are supposed to represent our image well in the eye of the world but instead, they have sodomy, murder and other ridiculous allegations. This is unacceptable. We are a great country, we have great people, we had great leaders before, but now, why this?
I think the politicians have to lay low and stop bickering as they are more important things to bicker about in Malaysia. The world doesn't just revolves around them. We voted them for a reason. We don't need all this dirty politicking.
Who is protecting our rights? Who is there to care about us, the rakyat if our leaders are too busy playing vendetta on each other?
I had a long and a great weekend. I spent every minute with Ikki. I talked in my sleep. I woke up with Ikki beside me and it always put me in the best mood to hug him in the morning. I sit under the hot shower with the dress that Ikki bought me, hallucinating that I'm a mermaid, convinced Nana to join me but failed. Hahaha. I chew the lollypop stick, yes, the stick, not the lollypop. I got drunk by just walking around and random people offered me drinks. Accidentally bummed into a lot of friends and unexpectedly very friendly strangers. I didn't eat much this weekend but I spent a lot. Bummer! But yes, I had a great weekend.
Oh and, it's Mikhail's 21st birthday today. Happy Birthday Kal and good luck for your last paper tomorrow. More drunken escapades. I like.
Oh and Nana's leaving to Singapore on Wednesday. Surely will miss her.
Hm.. I'll go watch TV. Cartoons or something, yup, cartoons.
My PC's all messed up. I miss my dad, he could fix almost everything. I guess I have to wait til he comes back from Penang. Not that I didn't try, it doesn't work. Hahaha.
Well anyways, yes I want to write about the fuel hike again. Because since the fuel hike, my mom and my dad kept fueling up my car. So I don't feel the pain right about until last Wednesday. Yes, I feel the pain now. Nothing much to say about the fuel hike anymore, its really pissing me off. I'll think of something..
What am I writing? Really.. I don't know.. Haihhh.. Mandi best jugak ni.
I'm about to shower, get dressed, then I remember I have to drive, like everyday. The fuel hike, yikes!!!! I have no personal income whatsoever, I only have the 'parent's bank', so I rather use the money to get myself something nice than pay for fuel, but then again I have no choice, the public transportation isn't well connected. I mean, the LRT certainly doesn't connect to everywhere I want to go. I have never taken a bus before in Malaysia, but I heard there's a long wait and it's cramped up. Taxi fares? Better I drive. But then, the fuel..
I was in a good mood when I woke up, I called my boyfriend who's about to leave for college, smiling because I finally had cendol yesterday (it was a two weeks plus wait) and I'm so in the mood for doughnut today, then thinking about the fuel hike immediately kills my mood.
So have you heard? The government has announced that petrol price will go up by 78 sen yesterday, a 41 percent jump from RM1.92 per litre to RM2.70. The prime minister also said that TenagaNasional would be raising electricity rates by 18% for homes and 26% for business users. Yes, just yesterday I wrote a post about how we're being screwed by politicians. This is intolerable.
Remember that the government has promised us that petrol price will not be increased anymore somewhat around December 2007? They kept their promise, for a few months!They didn’t promise us anything in 2008. So here it is, with the election just passed and there's a fuel hike. .
PakLah sure is taking a major political risk in removing price controls even as he attempts to recover from disastrous March elections that dealt the ruling coalition its worst results in half a century. Rising prices of food and fuel were a major factor in the ballot, which has triggered repeated calls for the premier to stand down. Pump price could rise as high as 3.00-4.00 ringgit when price controls are completely removed in August.
So everyone should start riding the bicycles again..
At a smoking zone in college on a boring day, restaurants or bars, wherever we can sit and gather around to talk, the most succulent topic of our conversation these days is the state of the nation, our nation that is. How we are being screwed by the politicians that we single handily voted, the ineffective administration, the rising cost of living and all the usual things that Malaysian love to talk so much about. As usual, all we do is practically just talk then we go back to our mundane lives and try to deal with the problems. Until the next time when things become too much to tolerate, we gather around, whining and complaining again, but that's just pretty much it, no actions.
People can make change, we hold the power of our lives in our own hands. Remember back before Merdeka? Our ancestors, practiced the People Power in the march towards gaining independence from the British, we were all passionate about Merdeka. We got together as one, we appointed a spokesman in the person of the Tunku, and we won our independence without bloodshed. Then we sat back and enjoyed the fruits of our first People Power success. But life became so good after that we began to relax. A little too much.
Through years, we lost our sense of People Power altogether. We became dependent again. We were colonised again, this time by the people we ourselves chose to govern us and to continue the work we started using People Power. Life became so good that all we wanted to do is sit back, relax and enjoy. Our people power came to such a state that eventually, things got bad again. We began to suffer a little bit of this and that and that's the reason there was a huge turnover in the last election. People want change, but that's so much as they can do. Change their vote in hope that things will get better, and that the people we voted will take care of things, things that we should have done ourselves.
Apparently, sadly we realised that we had been enjoying too much and too long that we had lost the ability to think and to do things for ourselves. Then we'll go back to the place where we normally gather around and complain again. Hoping that the people we voted will actually do something about the problems we are facing and then we happily return to our anesthetised state.
Let's make a change with actions. No matter how young we are, we have a voice here in our nation because we are the future.
I hate shopping. I'm serious. The hassle of walking, I hate walking in shopping malls, I don't mind walking in parks or jungle trekking and what not, just not shopping malls. I hate going from shops to shops, most of the things look the same to me, sometimes I find something rare and attractive, but most of the time, dull. But then again I'm a girl who needs new things from time to time and get excited when I see something I like. I happened to stumble upon a very charming dress today, so I bought it, put a smile on my face. Not so different after all. Hahaha.
No. But I'm serious, if I happen to stumble upon something nice, I'll buy it but to ask me out on a shopping spree? No! I'd rather go up to a bookstore and wait until you're done with your shopping. I'm not a hypocrite trying to make a some sort of statement here, I do go out to shop sometimes, to buy only things I need, but never into this break-a-leg shopping spree, well except for Bandung, can't help it, everything was so cheap.
Before, I used to go up to a book store sit there and read one book after another, sometimes just one book, a thin one, I'll sit there and read until I finish the book or until my legs and eyes all sore, I could spend hours, sadly now I don't have the time and energy. But I still go, when I'm out of books to read, just not spend hours there like I used to. I miss doing that. I know these days I could just download a book from the internet, but it's different. I like the atmosphere in a bookstore. It soothes me. I'm a little weird huh?
My older post, Horton Hears a Who! was quite confusing and one-dimensional. What I was really trying to imply there was, people these days don't seem so interested or fascinated anymore about the world, the universe and concerned about the answers that we are supposed to seek instead we have petty small talks about things that don't matter because we are told to believe we are never going to find the answer.
When we were kids, we asks more question about the universe and how it evolves, but once age eat us, we became ignorant, probably because we are told how things works around us. So we believe what we are told without the initiative to prob deeper, some of us do, that's great, but not many. It's sad, because the universe and the world we are living in is remarkable.
I saw a movie today, Horton Hears a Who! on DVD. Slept half-way through, not that it's boring but I was indisputably heavy-eyed. To be uncomplicated, I was sleepy. But then I woke up, keen to finish the movie, no rationale, just out of boredom and curiosity, I sit and watch. Did not think of it much when I watched it, was no more than a 3d animation to me. Horton discovers that there's a whole town (Whoville) full of tiny people (the Whos) on a tiny speck of dust that's come floating his way. His neighbors think he's lost his mind. But Horton decides it's his calling to protect the life on the speck:"A person's a person no matter how small,"he insists.
Dr Suess' ideology was an allegorical politically critique for me to grasp. It is too immense to converse this matter in a larger scale, quite controversial although I'm very fond of ideologies. I'm at my deepest point of slumber, I won't discuss it now, maybe later, tomorrow, I don't know but the point being of writing this post? Well, we could be the specks that Horton found. What I'm trying to imply here is for us to stop being stupid and ignorant, shudder those hypocrisy, read and study more to discover the universe because every living creature matters, everything we do affect others and everything around us. Acknowledge other ideas, gain more knowledge, move forward.
"When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you realize your dream."Paolo Coelho
The Alchemist,his tour de force, was his first book that I read. I haven't done much with my life at the time. Immediately after reading the last sentence, I sit still in awe, impressed by his talent and anxious to start my life again.
The book was about understanding the reason for the existence of life. Which will encourage you to make your life meaningful instead of being a slave to your own life. This book teaches you to be in control of everything you do, because whatever that happens in your life it is your responsibility. When you blame others, you give up your power to change, and life is always changing, it waits for no man.
Then after I readThe Pilgrimage, The Zahir, Maktub, Eleven Minutesand a few others. It is life changing. His books are delicate.
Paolo Coelho is blessed as god has given him a great gift. A genius he is.
This is my tribute to Paolo Coelho, to me he is a living legend.
Its been a while since I write anything productive, this is due to my brains not functioning well these days, oh.. and the time constrain too. I haven't done much lately but time just seems to fly so quickly. Time wastes our bodies and our wits, but we waste time, so we are quits.
Nothing has happen much since my last politically influenced post. Exams. Sucked my energy dry. I lost my momentum for everything else. Not much to studying, pretty much worrying actually, anxiety. But oh well, a few more days then I'm liberated. Back to being a potato couch, movie marathon, not taking a bath until I really have to, read read read and more reading and write too. Oh how I love days with nothing to worry about..
Well, no time to lose, I will continue studying, maybe.. if nothing distracts me. Funny, there's always something though. Excuses.
"Like as the waves make towards the pebbl'd shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end." William Shakespea
I am confused to how much sensitivity is too much?
Malaysians seem to be in a particularly irritable mood of late. It's not as if our deplorable lack of manners while driving has worsened overnight, or that we're even more inclined to cut the queue than before. Everywhere around us, it seems as if our levels of tolerance have dropped significantly, and in less than a year the public domain has shrunk equally so.
It is no longer possible to talk about matters deemed sensitive to some quarters, be it the question of freedom of religion and belief, to entrenched and institutionalized economic disparities in our midst.
Every time one of us displays the temerity to raise the obvious, the voice is hushed by the virulent tirade. We have become ever-so-sensitive, albeit in the most insensitive and often intolerant ways.
They want a bright Malaysia with bright young minds who could think and differentiate the positive and the negative, but if all around us, from our parents to our teachers and lecturers tell us to keep sensitive matters to ourselves and we cannot discuss it, then how can these so called bright young minds move forward, if we, us, they, are held back from voicing out?
For a country that prides itself as being the cradle of so many Asian cultures, there seem to be a distinct lack of homeliness in Malaysia right now. Anyone with an attentive eye to a nuanced reading of history should be able to see this. We in Malaysia, seem to be well bending on erasing all traces of alterity and difference around us.
What irks so many Malaysians today is the thorny debate over freedom of belief and religion, which has already led to a few loud and angry demonstrations, death threats, hate mail and a blanket ban on discussion on all subject religious. The central issue here has always been the salient status of the secular constitution of Malaysia and the rule of law. It is very confusing in Malaysia. At no point was this ever an issue of mass conversion or an attempt at undermining any particular religion in the country.
Yet,this is how debate has been framed, with some groups claiming that by taking their cases to the higher courts of the land, the few Malaysians who have asked to be allowed to convert to another religion have placed Islam and Islamic law on a secondary status.
Here the issue of comfort and homeliness is brought into play. Those who are opposed to groups like Article 11 have argued that by simply defending the principle of freedom of belief, they are jeopardising the comfort and homeliness of others. Comfort and homeliness here are defined in terms of protecting the status quo ante-which obviously leaves the settled assumptions of the majority intact.
If this is how homeliness and comfort are to be defined in Malaysia now on, then what we are witnessing is really the entrenchment of institutionalised and normalised majoritarianism in no uncertain terms.
All of us wants a companion and a confidant. Even in denial. Because as much friends as you have or none, there's only one person that you will always turn to, there's secrets you're too embarrass to tell even to your closest friends, but you tell your significant other. There's pride and flaws you do not show to others, but subconsciously and without you realizing it, you reveal them to that one special person because he/she will still have you and learn to accept that is a part of you. At the state of depression and desperation, that's the one person you turn to. I think that is the answer to question when do you know it is love.
There's a point in life when you love someone so much, you can't love anyone as much anymore. You won't have the energy to go through it again. All of us will go through that. That one person that you love so much, is the person that will hurt you the most and after you will no longer feel the climax of love anymore. Because you have got the best, how can it be possible to have another? Like the saying goes, lighting doesn't strike twice at the same place. Same thing I guess. I may be wrong, but for the moment, that's what I think. Because I have the best and I love him so much, so crazy like I have never loved before, but I don't own him. No one could own a person. That's a fact, even in marriage. You can never own a person. But make the best out of it while it lasted.
I am being so emotional. But that's what blog is for isn't it? Pour your feelings and guts out. Oh the wonders of writing. It is a good way to articulate your feelings, through anger, depression, distressing, happiness and everything else you want to convey but if you don't know how, I suggest writing.
I could not love anyone else more than I love him. Months of bliss and a taste of heaven. We went through it all (trust me), rain or shine, through laughter and tears, and we are still together. Not every second passed that I not think of him. Every day I would try to win his heart over and over again.
He asked me the other day, how do we know it's LOVE ? Well.. The heart wants what it wants. Love is life greatest mystery. I love him. I consider my self very lucky and blessed. He has been there for me, like no one else did. Thank you for these wonderful months..
Well, I watched an awesome movie titled ' 2 Days In Paris ', the movie is about the reality of relationships in general and of course, Paris. I will not elaborate much about the movie since I have the tendency to ruin the ending and basically everything about the movie (I actually do that a lot) but I will briefly enlighten why you should watch the movie.
Hollywood usually fabricate surreal movies about relationships, but in reality, relationships are not as bad and as awesome as Hollywood depict to us, not just Hollywood, everywhere actually, even the news. Well.. yes. The movie of course..
It's about a couple, she is a native French, he is American. They both lives in New York, and decided to visit Paris for 2 days after a few weeks of visiting elsewhere in Europe. She is fanatical and audacious, a photographer. He is neurotic and full of sarcasm, an interior designer. The movie is fascinating because of the diversity of their personality and how they resolve their dilemma and crisis. It relates to every relationships that you have and have had. I know I just made a bold statement but I too know, every relationships is different, nevertheless we all will face the same problem, jealousy.
The movie also portrays real Parisian culture in which I love and hate. Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with Paris. But in ' 2 Days In Paris ', whether you like it or not, that is exactly how Parisians are. Racist, fascist, strident, liberated, it's all in the movie.
That is how I perceive the film, yours may be different.
Oh yes, the movie is directed by Julie Delpy, and she is also the main character in the movie casting alongside Adam Goldberg. I am a big fan of Julie Delpy since I saw her in the movie Before Sunrise and then came the sequel Before Sunset. It is a romance movie, but if you think that these are those mushy crap, I beg to differ.
When someone loves you, you must have earned it somehow..
It wasn't easy to begin with. But you compromise and somehow along the way, you will reach to a point where you both agree with certain matter and you're comfortable.
Some people take advantage of being comfortable. I heard a story about a divorced the other day. For such a dense matter, it was heartbreaking. You give up too soon sometimes because your head is telling you these crazy things and temptations. But your heart is telling you another. It is crazy that some how even at a certain age you still don't know which to listen to, your head or your heart. Your head, as far as feelings go, does not comply with your heart so much.
Feelings.. Such a funny gift we have. Feel your feelings, never analyze them. Start pouring your feelings into a journal, or a blog, whatever suits you best. These loving companions will speak your language. No translation needed.
Its best to feel your feelings. Don't ever make a hasty decision. You will regret it. When you do, there is no turning back. You will come to see how to deal with things, you will come to see how your anger teaches you about responsibility and your arrogance teaches you about humility, so listen and feel your feelings carefully, there's more to it.
My mission now is to forgive myself for all the times I thought I wasn't good enough.
I cry when I do not know how to deal with my feelings. I no longer analyze my feelings, I feel them, really feeling them. So during my heartaches and grief, I cry. I found comfort in crying as it helps me ease my pain. I scream when I cry sometimes. It felt good.
I talk. To objects.
During my heartaches and griefs, I talk to objects. I have my favourite. Beautiful daffodil yellow, long haired and glittery, a pony. She does not look away, does not criticize, does not insult, she definitely listens. I named her. Princess Sparkles. Just like Summer's. She will always be there when I need her, she would remain calm even when I tried flushing her down the toilet. I found comfort in her.
For she has been good to me, I bought her a friend to keep her company.
I sound crazy? A definite NO! Human, people.. we find comfort in the most peculiar things ever imagined.
I have been on a long journey of self discovery. It took a long time to actually comprehend that this is what and who I am. No more no less. I am not going to find someone new beneath this skin. I am what I am. The unreal is not going to prevail and heal my sores. My weakness and strength is my own, mine to guard.
It all sound so simple. But it took me almost all my life to realize what I just realized. Reality bites. So I stopped blaming my self for choices I had made, which made me feel safe and I took responsibility for them. Then on I began to accept the unacceptable which made me see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.
I quit exhausting my self by trying so hard.
I could turn away from reality, I could go away for years, to the wild, the desert or to a foreign place. But I will return being the same person I am when I left. With different perspectives, opinion and views maybe. So I quit wishing my life looked some other way and began to see that as it is, my life serves my evolution. We are what we are, so make the best out of it.
Now, I could see how funny life is, how funny I am, and how funny you are.
For many years I lived with a guarded heart. I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself and did not know what I really want. 2008, that began changing.
As I grew to love all of who I am and correcting my flaws, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways. My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes.
My commitment to follow this calling grew strong and in the process a divine intelligence came to guide my life. I believe this ever present resource is grace and available to us all. I started writing about my life and views because I knew this is my right and my responsibility.
I decided to write and be heard.
Thus, here I am. Putting my words into action, which happens to be.. words. Ironic isn't it? Everything starts somewhere. Mine starts here.
