its not you, its me..

seriously ive been wondering for days and really im not too sure how this one works and how its going to work..

when two people love each other aren't they supposed to be with each other unless there's a gun pointed to their head showing all signs of NO?

right?

man love stinks big time.

i need to get some sleep and some good session with the shrink.

get a new topic to talk about

I guess I have a lot of time to spare today since I'm writing two posts in an hour. It's really boring in here anyways.

Stupid things people say about your weight.

We encounter it all the time I guess. Someone comes up to you and make a comment about your body, weight or size. This person might say something that hurts you, maybe he/she said something that leaves you really confused. I’ve heard a lot of crazy things in my life, things said to me and things said to people I know. So I thought we could dedicate this to stupid things people say in hopes that we will no longer let the things people say hurt us but rather laugh and make fun of those crazy comments.

I’ll start…

“You’re not as BIG as you used to be!” (Mind you I was underweight at the time of this comment and have never been more than a Size 4 in my entire life).

"That shirt makes you look pregnant."

"Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

"You should just wear dresses."

"Did you lose weight? You look so much better."

"Wow! Those jeans look really baggy on you, good for you."

"Are you losing weight? You’re getting so much prettier!"

"Don’t get any bigger."

I think part of the reason people think that they can just say whatever about another person’s body is because we are being taught on a daily basis that weight is a public issue. We see it on television commercials, magazines and all kinds of advertisements. It is embedded into the fabric of so many of our conversations and it is a part of our collective consciousness. So, the next time people say something semi-insulting or totally insulting about your body, you might want to take the time to point out to them that their comments are crazy and they should find another topic or personality for that matters.

Bluuurrrppp

I haven't posted anything on my blog for quite some time. Been extra busy with work and no weekends off. Some life..

It's an awesome job, but the demanding hours and tight deadlines that kills me. I'm munching wonka nerds, while writing this and looking at the people in the news room.

I had a different image of how the newsroom would be before I work here, I mean the people. How they act, how they are. Well let's just say some of them isn't at the standard of my imagination.

It's funny the things they say and ask at times..

i wish a lot of things in life could be so much simpler. I wish people could be more forgiving. I wish people u love never hurt u intentionally. I wish for so many things..

Casbah

Oh and by the way, I'm at Casbah, Jln Telawi, Bangsar. It's the same row as 7eleven.

Good food and reasonably priced alcohol..

If you're free, come on down..

Papa

Last night, I hugged my father for the longest time I can remember and for the first time in years. I said sorry, I told him I love him. I cried, he did too.

I've never seen my father cried before.. I felt terrible for saying those things I said and even more terrible to know how such a small thing like a hug from me could make him happy.

I've been selfish and ignorant.

Time time time time...

Hello. I haven't written here in months. But I've been writing every day, just not here, scripts, teasers etc. There's a lot that I wanted to write in these past few months, but I don't own the luxury of time these days.

Time.. Is something that I really appreciate these days. I remember those days where I just sit around and do nothing and don't feel guilty about wasting it. Now that I know the value of time that we have in life, I dare not waste even a minute.

I even appreciate those few minutes that I took to day dream these days as I find it really 'ME' time and so special that when someone interrupts I would actually get agigated.

It's a bit peculiar, but that's how I function these days, I'm too busy with work so the only escapism of mind that I get is those few minutes of day dreaming..

I am trying hard to live the moment, even if it includes day dreaming..

Haihhh.. Will write soon I hope. Good afternoon.

Hello!

A colleague said that I should start blogging again.

So here's one.

I just discovered this author/philosopher introduced to me by his books by Youri, his name is name is Richard Bach, an American pilot who does not believes in marriage and loves to write.

He said:
Our true nature is not bound by space or time, we are expressions of the Is, we are not truly born nor truly die, and we enter this world of Seems and Appearances for fun, learning, to share experiences with those we care for, to explore—and most of all to learn how to love and love again.

This brought changes in me, I swear.

doo daa

The kitchen turn out well, the guest room and bathroom looks amazing. The work downstairs is almost done, they will begin the work upstairs on Tuesday. So I have to pack up my things in boxes by tomorrow. It will definitely bring tears and laughter that will slow down my work, coming across long lost photos, out to date clothes, birthday cards, letters and I-don't-know-what. So much memories for a very little room.. Haihhh..

dear, life.

I'm so glad that I don't party as much anymore, I'm so glad that I'm starting to appreciate the time alone that I have for myself and my loved ones, oh and also home, the very little time I have at home.. I don't find partying as exciting as I used to and I'm glad I don't.

I think as we all grow older, we need changes and higher level of maturity, drunken escapades just slows you down. The world is moving so fast, we need to pace up with the world, not the other way around. Time waits for no man. I'm glad I'm building a career instead of doing odd jobs to pay for a day's living and not knowing what I want. I'm not worried about the future anymore, because now that I know what I want, I can focus on the present and I'm sure it will work through just fine for the future. Past? It's in the past.. I'll leave it there.

I'm glad LIFE happens.

goodnight

i like this photo, is all. pffft. anywhoooooss, today has been a killing spree. he he he. no. it's just a very tiring day with work and all that. it was a mediocre day, i'm all tired probably because i haven't had anything proper to eat in days and not to mention, sleep. so i guess, i will try to sleep or valium myself. i just wish i have one now. it'll work wonders. goodnight blog! goodnight world, or maybe quarter of it. well, goodnight!

my precious

I glanced at the time on my computer, it’s 4 a.m. and I can’t seem to snooze again. I’m only writing for the sake of writing. I had a lot of time to think about almost everything in the last two days and discovered this, the only real valuable thing besides my beautiful mind is my intuition. There is no logical way to the discovery of these elemental laws. There is only the way of intuition, which is helped by a feeling for the order lying behind the appearance.

My mind can assert anything and pretend it has proved it. My beliefs I test on my body, on my intuitional consciousness, and when I get a response there, and then I accept. Trusting my intuition often saves me from disaster. If I really listen to my intuition it will tell me everything I know. I may have been lucky with some sort of intuition, but I believe in training a great deal. God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.

There are things so deep and complex that only intuition can reach it in our stage of development as human beings. I am trying to listen to my intuition more, because I figured that instinct is the nose of the mind and I will let good intuition lead my path from now.

i k k i

It's 4 a.m. I can't seem to sleep and I'm in front of my computer trying to pen a few words here. Apparently an innocuous proposition made me ponder, which began in a listless way and later took a definite direction. I’m writing what I feel, grasping for air to breathe. I write when I feel I need to let things out particularly when there’s no one to talk to.

Although there are so many things going on in my head, I still think life is beautiful. The journey of the last two years has been beautiful. This new people I met that I call family now, and of course I can say at this point, the love of my life, Ikki.

He is my knight in shining amour; he was there when I was in need of a companion. He has shaped me to be a better person. He nurtures me to this level of maturity, although I still need to work on it. I wake up every morning thinking of him and the life I share with him. We argue about things, sometimes things that don’t even matter but I know for a fact, all these arguments made me understand him better and vice versa.

I am doing my level of best and want to make this most important relationship in my entire life a grand success. Because I know there would be no one like him and what I’ve shared with him is wonderful. I don’t think I will ever experience it with anyone else. He is my best friend, my psychologist, my mentor and everything else that is significant, but most of all he is the person I love most besides my family.

I love you, Ikki. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you.

lend me your shoulder

I’m sitting on my bed, looking out my window, its pouring rain. I’m quiet and held still. I’m ignoring and tolerating my pain. I was hyper ventilating, it was so hard to breathe so I cried and made it worst. I still don’t feel any relief of some sort.

I can’t seem to banish these critical voices from my head. This is the killer of joy. So I began pouring my feelings by writing this. It speaks my language. I’m grieving for the hurts in my life and making my heart heavy from hugging them around. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

I’m over analyzing my feelings, I can’t comprehend complexity. I need to talk to someone. I need to let it out. I don’t know where to begin. There are so many things in my head. I’m sensitive to the core. My family thinks I’m strong willed, that I can handle anything, yes they see me cry, but then I bounced back. Truth is I’m the weakest. I cry and I never stopped, I act as if everything is okay but really my head is so crowded with all this baggage I’m lugging around that caused me migraines and all this hyper ventilating.

Sit next to me, spare some time to listen and hold me. I’m losing it.

4am whining

The thought of asking a few questions pisses me off. Yeah, the whole 'life is too short to be pissed off all the time', but man, just the thought of asking these few questions pisses me off. Not even the answer. Dannggg.

b l u r p !

I haven't been to work in just about two weeks and I'm really at ease and it’s not good. Tomorrow I'm going to force myself to get out of bed and go to work. I can’t do this to myself. It’s self destruction.

I've been doing nothing much since. I stayed home during the day, wake up after 1 in the afternoon some days its much later, lay in bed and day dream until 2, get up, walk around the house, look for food and be back in bed by 2.30 and day dream some more. Get up at 3, watched movies, surf the internet and play computer games. I barely had anything to eat but I’ve endless supply of mineral water in my room. Whenever I feel I need to get out of my room, I'll go downstairs with my book and read.

I go out at night to see the world and eat a little. Then be back home around 3 or 4 in the morning or so and sleep. Same thing again the next day and I think I've rest well. Time for work. Hah! Its Friday tomorrow, Saturday coming after that. Yay!

dangggg son.

The noise is unbearable. I can't even hear my own thoughts. The house is in a mess, dust everywhere. The TV area is gone, the roof over the kitchen is gone, there's strange men walking around my house. I can't stand it. Never again am I going to mention the word 'renovation' in front of my mother! I'm supposed to be resting so I can fully recover and start working again, but these noises starts as early as 7am. Going in and out as I please is out of the question, my very loyal car is in the workshop AGAIN!

ours to make.

The longer I live the more I realized the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, education, money than circumstances, failure, successes than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gifted-ness or skill. It will make or break a company, a church a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. we cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. the only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you, we are in charge of our own ATTITUDES.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning but all of us can start today and have a new ending.

My Hospital Experience

First let me say that I'm happy to be alive, although not very well right now, I'm alive. I'm grateful. I am very grateful to the nurses and doctors who gave me intensive care and kept me healthy. I have tried to express my appreciation to them for their concern and professional service. In my own way that is. Despite everything, I hate hospitals. I hate the smell of the wards, I hate the feeling of being in a hospital. I hate not doing anything.

I was admitted on Monday evening, dengue fever. This had gone on for three days, so by that time I was very anemic. The first thing that happened, of course, was blood testing and the start of an IV. Both of those procedures called for my being stuck in various spots in veins which didn't cooperate very well. Throughout my stay in the hospital, vampires punctured me morning and night, with the first stabbing occurring at 6am each day. Until the very last day when I left the hospital, I had intravenous fluids of one kind or another with their ports often needing to be replaced because of leakage. Both of my arms were covered with black and blue streaks. Oh and rashes..

Since I was not able to take much nourishment when I entered the hospital, I was given intravenous nutrients including lipids and electrolytes in addition to the transfusions. Alas, something didn't agree with me. One evening I began itching violently and noticed that I had a red rash all over my body. I asked that the IV be discontinued, but the nurses did not feel they could do that, so I endured that itching all night until the doctor came in the morning and removed the IV tube. During the night a couple of aides slathered lotion all over me and relieved the itching to some extent. The doctor told me that I might be allergic to something in the IV feed, or that I might be reacting to an additive to prevent blood clotting.

I left the hospital after 4 days and 3 scary nights. However, I do want to say again how much I admire the people who do this kind of work. I am reminded of the story of Dr. Milliken, a famous physicist, whose maid was asked about his education and she said he was a doctor, but not the kind who did anybody any good. We all know that nurses and doctors do lots of good for lots of people.

let me breathe in my sleep

I opened my eyes but still beheld. Now wide awake with the vision of my sleep, that night expelled and there was a painful change. The bliss of my dream so pure and deep so I began to wept, moan forth witless words with many a sigh. I close my eyes, knelt with joined hands I pray. Fearing to move or speak, I hope it will only stay as a dream.

Sank back into my pillow by the dusk curtains and the lustrous salvers in the moonlight gleam in hope I will fall deeply asleep with no more sad dreams.

my own

A friend ask me today, why can't she comment on the posts on my blog, well for me my blog is my personal publish writings and just reading materials for others. So yeah.. I disabled the comment thingie.

Goodnight. I have work in the morning.

live your life

If I had my life to live over, although I had made lots, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers and seas. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, although my life is like a soap opera, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have. I would probably just carry clean underwear, that I can't live without.

If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more poetry reading; I would ride more merry-go-rounds and probably do sky-diving once every month. I would pick more daisies. Roses would kill me. Haihh.. Life. Oh, but wait, I'm only in my early 20s. I have time to do all these things. In fact, I have plenty of time.

So I'll stop writing for now and go cat hunting or maybe rabbit if I'm lucky. Ikki has a slingshot, too bad he's sleeping. I should cook. Just randomly toss everything in the cooking pan and see how it turns out. Or I could sew, or fix my guitar string. There's so much to do. I don't know why I'm here whining. 24hours is not enough to live a day.

I can't live my life all over again, but this I just figured, the best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life. Yay!

Changes

Changes. It's not a simple thing to do, no matter how simple other people think it is. If you've never tried, you'll never know. The shifting process is crucial. I have to figure out what was wrong with me and find a solution for it by not losing myself at the same time. I got confused, I lost what was good in me for a while. It's a horrible feeling. When I finally figure things out and miraculously found myself again in a winding mind labyrinth, everything else doesn't fall effortlessly. People still brings out things from my past, which I don't think is what I am anymore, but that's how human works. They stereotype and no matter how much they say they forgive or forget, they don't. It breaks me.

I fell silent, most of the time I cry and I can't wait to fall asleep.

oi!

i hate online fifa. give me my boyfriend back!

Home Sweet Home

My legs felt heavy, my heart pounded fast, 30 seconds in the car, I made the phone call. 17 minutes later, I'm home. Finally..

I'll wake up tomorrow with no one to hug.

Appy. Like an Ippo

The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don't care what anyone says.
Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again

In the Buddhist view, ultimate happiness is only achieved by overcoming craving in all forms. Aristotle saw happiness as "the virtuous activity of the soul in accordance with reason," or the practice of virtue. The Dalai Lama thinks happiness will come with practicing compassion.

Well, for me I think happiness is the undying quest of life and only can be achieved if we pursuit it in however way we may find it. There's no black and white on how to be happy. I'm happy now.

Because I'm Bored ?

Boredom is an emotional state experienced during periods lacking activity or when individuals are uninterested in the activities surrounding them.

Boredom has been defined by C. D. Fisher in terms of its central psychology processes: “an unpleasant, transient affective state in which the individual feels a pervasive lack of interest in and difficulty concentrating on the current activity.” M. R. Leary and others define boredom similarly, and somewhat more succinctly, as “an affective experience associated with cognitive attentional processes.” These definitions make it clear that boredom arises not from a lack of things to do but from the inability to latch onto any specific activity. Nothing engages us, despite an often profound desire for engagement.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Nerve wrecking

Watching CNN for the past six or seven years has always been so traumatic.

I really think that if America had a non-interventionist foreign policy, the impact on the United States by such horrendous conflicts abroad would be minimized. We as individual could disagree among each other about those conflicts, or choose not to care about them at all. As it is, even their political processes become interlinked with politics abroad, and when American treasure and diplomacy are seen behind other nations' acts of belligerence, the United States becomes a target for resentment and even terrorism. This makes it all the more important to see foreign wars with a bit of nuance and an effort at balance, but it is not always easy. It might not always be possible to be objective. All the more reason Americans should return to their Founding Fathers' policy of peace, honest friendship and free trade with all nations; entangling alliances with none.

The Israeli blockade of Gaza is an egregious violation of international law and the Geneva Conventions, such terrorism is a crime. Muslim lives are devalued. What a shame, knowing that we are all humans. Although I know that peace in Palestine is so far off but with elect-president Barack Obama coming into office this January 20th, I really hope there will be a slight change somewhere.

Let's just hope for the best.

Life is too short to live it a bad person

I always wonder, about life and our very existence. 'Why is life so complicated? Why is happiness seems so far off?' But really, life is not complicated and happiness is how you make it. It took me years to figure it out, regardless what others have told me.

Life is not complicated at all, like happiness, its how you make it. If you invite complexity in your life then complicated it becomes.. We make our lives complicated when really, life itself is simple. Live. Eat. Sleep. What we add in between is the ones that's controlling our lives, hence we control our own level of complexity.

What is life without complexity? Simplicity.

Amen.

World peace?

Another day of nothing-ness. I read today, that's productive I guess.

The situation in Gaza is heartbreaking. The Israeli foreign minister, Tzipi Livni, said the offensive was intended to change permanently the shape of Israel's conflict with Hamas. "When Israel is targeted, Israel is going to retaliate," she said. Israel has rejected calls for a ceasefire. Well I studied the structure of the UN and how they operate, intervention from the UN is very much needed right now, not just for humanitarian aid, desperate measures like this they should call for the General Assembly. As I learned, although the UN members meet once a year but when special crisis arose, they can call for special session of the General Assembly and maybe actually help out the horrible situation in Gaza right now.

In the mean time, I'm praying for the best for the Palestinians.

My List

Never really actually noticed it, right?

Speaking of stress, I am quite stressed actually, sitting in my room all day on a beautiful Sunday watching TV series. I'm not stress about that though, I mean what's there to complain but anyways it's just that every time I paused to go to the bathroom or kitchen, I thought about my 2009 resolution, I have a few but I haven't finished my list. There's a lot to do and I know almost all of it at the back of my mind, I just need to put it in black and white (maybe blue and white, but whatever) but I'm just so lazy.

Maybe I should turn off everything, take a shower, fix myself a cup of tea, lie on my bed and finish my list, I mean a new year with no new goals would be just another year. It's so sad like that.

La la la la la la.

Sleepy Head

I opened my eyes, looked for my phone. 1 new message and it was 4pm. Although I love sleeping, but every time when I wake up way past 2pm I will feel really bad that I wasted hours of that day doing nothing but asleep. The waking hours is more beautiful than the hours we spent sleeping, but still why do we waste so much time sleeping?

But why do I feel so bad when I know sleeping is such a natural part of our lives?

I'm hungry.

Hello 2009!!

It's good to be on my own bed again, in front of my computer. New year, new everything!